character development

Leadership Courage (part nineteen):

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Leadership in a Culture of Cowardice (part five)

The self-defined leader chooses to interpret “crises” as precious opportunities to be developed to maturity in Christ and to develop mature disciples around her.

Friedman is clear: the leader’s capacity to contain her own reactivity to the trepidation of others, to avoid becoming polarized, and to self-regulate while staying connected to those who behave as if in distress is key to both the leader’s differentiation and to catalyzing maturity in the culture.

Think this through, Christian leader:

  1. How are you growing in governing your own emotional reactivity? Ask your spouse, your kids, your staff and elders: what evidence do they see of your growth in controlling your reactions when those around you are out-of-control themselves?
  2. When individuals or groups are locked in opposition, are you becoming better at “getting altitude”, above the fray, and remaining curious? Are you getting better at living in the tension, without knee-jerking yourself to one side or the other, primarily to exit the anxiety of the issue being, as yet, unresolved?
  3. When you react with frustration and anger to the low-tolerance frustration and antagonism of the immature in your ministry context, you’ve put yourself in exactly the same soup! The key is to manage yourself when in conflict and to stay in relationship with those who prefer to attack, blame, and remain irresponsible for their own being and destiny.

I am in such a situation right now. Attacked and maligned by someone who believes they’ve been harmed by me, it’s been crucially important to govern my own emotional reactivity, and, as best I can, and keep communication open. I continually get to remind myself about who I am in Christ, and that my destiny and well-being rests securely in God’s hands—as it is has my entire lifet.

Non-anxious.

19 togethernessIt takes stamina to continually define oneself to those who lack self-regulation. Sadly, that kind of stamina is not developed within a culture of cowardice.

That kind of stamina is not promoted in an education system that presses for togetherness over against the self-differentiation that is natural when honest competition and healthy individuation is endorsed.

Friedman noted almost twenty years ago that most of us are leading chronically anxious emotional dwarfs.

Too often, our churches have become hideouts for the immature.

Sad.

We could be the most powerful, clear, selfless, and confident people on the planet.

God-defined people with a non-anxious presence.

Leadership Courage (part eighteen):

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Leadership in a Culture of Cowardice (part four)

After illuminating characteristics of a Culture of Cowardice and making sobering observations about how appropriately it applies to the Church in North America today, we’ve turned our attention to the kind of leadership that can serve to restore the Church to a place of redemptive influence in society.

Edwin Friedman, in Generation to Generation defines a leader as a self-defined person with a non-anxious presence. Last week, we unpacked some of what it means to be self-defined, or as my CRM teammates prefer: “God-defined”.

Today, a non-anxious presence.

A non-anxious presence does not mean carefree, laid-back, detached, or disengaged.

18 stormIt means an absence of anxiety.

As a powerful squall threatens to swamp their boat, the disciples are a mess. Nervous. Fearful. Panicked. Jesus is … asleep. [Mk 4:38]

Non-anxious.

After benefiting from the miracle of the loaves and fish the crowd wants Jesus to seize political control, overthrow the Romans, declare himself King. His response was simply to withdraw to a solitary place, alone.

Non-anxious.

A non-anxious presence is easy to carry off when your leadership is well received, when people are saying great things about you, when folks are happy and grateful for you.

A non-anxious presence is essential when anxiety appears omnipresent.

Recall the phrase: “Poor planning on your part does not constitute a crisis on my part.” The less mature are always attempting to enroll others in their disquiet, their “crisis du jour”. A perceived catastrophe on the part of certain members of the congregation does not constitute a calamity for a well-defined leader.

18 wringingDo you think for one minute that God, in Heaven, is wringing his hands over that leaky roof, or the lawsuit brought against the church, or the lousy turnout at the society meeting?

I often remind my coaching clients that God is not looking down at them stunned, saying: “Oh my goodness, I didn’t see that coming!”

And, since God is fully aware of your predicament, what do you suppose God wants to do in you as a result?

You who are in ministry are in “the people development business”.

And so is God.

What do you suppose that God is working to develop in you, through your present difficulties?

Leadership Courage (part seventeen):

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Leadership in a Culture of Cowardice (part three)

We’re considering how consistently Jesus modeled the first of nine leadership postures and practices necessary for pastors today. And in doing so, I’m indebted to Edwin Friedman for his stellar work: A Failure of Nerve.

One: Courageous leadership is not about skill, technique, or knowledge. It is, most of all, about the presence of the leader as he or she moves through life.

In John chapter four, when Jesus’ buddies encouraged him to take a break, have a good meal, relax a bit, after his encounter with the Samaritan, he said: “My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work.” [Jn 4:34]

Clear.

Focused.

Unfazed.

Self-defined.

Now, self-defined does not mean workaholic. Friedman notes that the mature leader takes full responsibility for her wellbeing and destiny.

Like Jesus, she trusts the Father’s goodness, love, and sovereign plan. She does not look to other people or for her circumstances to define her. Responsible for her own being and destiny, she lives responsibly—even amid a culture that seems committed to promote irresponsibility at every turn.

17 solitudeOr haven’t you noticed?

Recall Jesus’ practice of withdrawing himself from the press of people and ministry to commune with the Father, get perspective, and to sleep.

Responsible for his own being and destiny, Jesus chose to get away from the very people who needed him: those he could’ve healed, delivered, taught, and built a bigger, stronger, more powerful ministry around.

Why?

Maybe Jesus understood that more than skill, technique, or knowledge, courageous leadership is, most of all, about the presence of the leader as the leader moves through life.

To presence himself well with people, Jesus recognized that a vital relationship with the Father, clarity, perspective, and attending to his very appropriate, very human need for rest and refreshing were necessary.

Self-definition, like Jesus modeled for us, was the result of his commitment to maturity. And one hallmark of maturity is standing responsible for one’s own wellbeing and destiny.

How’s yours?

Leadership Courage (part fifteen):

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Leadership in a Culture of Cowardice (part one)

How is a pastor, denominational exec, lay leader, elder, or board member to lead when the culture of your organization is shot through with cowardice?

What are the implications for George Barna’s “Revolutionaries” who’ve been so sickened by the self-soothing silliness in churches that, while ministering passionately and creatively for Christ, they’ve cut themselves off from the local church?

And, what of the thousands of Christians, frustrated by the infantile institutionalism and the soft-headed social activism of the mainline denominations, who’ve washed their hands of the whole religious mess?

15 failure of nervePicture yourself with the New Testament in one hand and Edwin Friedman’s A Failure of Nerve in the other. What if Jesus, our exemplar, understood Friedman better than Friedman understood himself? Read on, and at the end, tell us what you think.

One: Courageous leadership is not about skill, technique, or knowledge. It is, most of all, about the presence of the leader as he or she moves through life.

In Generation to Generation, Friedman gives this definition of a leader: A self-defined person with a non-anxious presence.

Today’s blog, fifteenth in this series on Leadership Courage, will begin to examine one attribute of courageous leadership: decisive self-definition.

By “self-defined”, I mean a person who has a clear sense of her or his unique calling from God and is living in alignment with that calling.

15 maskIt’s not enough to intellectually know who you are called to be and the unique difference you’ve been prepared to make [Eph 2:10] and then to live as if you were someone else.

It is not biblically acceptable to be a Christian and to live with a puny, self-consuming purpose. A purpose like: to feel loved, to be happy, or to feel good about yourself.

Consider Jesus.

Notice the clarity he embodies as he moves through his relationships, through his world. At age twelve, he’s in the temple, discussing the Law with the priests. Once his parents find him, his mother demands an explanation for his behavior. Jesus’ replies with a question: “Didn’t you know that I must be about my father’s business?” [Lk 2:49]

Jesus was clear. As I see it, “the Father’s business” was to establish, then advance, the Kingdom of God among women and men. To do this, he gave himself to develop ever-maturing followers, using every opportunity and difficulty to strengthen their confidence in God and their willingness to live the life he modeled.

Do you?

Leadership Courage (part eight)

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A Culture of Cowardice (part three)

I’m a leadership coach to pastors. Last time, I introduced a pervasive cultural condition that’s true of so many churches it’s become characteristic of the Church in America.

A Culture of Cowardice.

While there are many exceptions, compared to the whole, these exceptions are so exceptional that the description deserves our attention—particularly when the topic is leadership courage.

Edwin Friedman, in A Failure of Nerve diagnoses American society as chronically anxious. As he describes systems experiencing chronic anxiety—the Church in North America fits the description even more than American society as a whole.

Chronically anxious systems, Friedman notes, are toxic to courageous, well-differentiated leadership. So acute is the culture’s abhorrence of discomfort that it “knee-jerks” its way from one perceived threat to another, clamoring for instantaneous relief from ministers, who are pulled in all directions at once.

A pastor may have begun with a clear sense of mission. But, in short order that mission is overwhelmed by the demand that the “crisis du jour” be averted with haste. Ministers, instead of challenging the congregation to mature and leading them to take important new ground, become consumed with smoothing out the never-ending ruffled feathers of the flock.

Caretaking is not leadership.

cry 8A constituency that is so developmentally-regressed requires that a clergyperson do little more than accommodate the low frustration tolerance of the most immature.

And, to do this, they need only to answer the phone!

Ministry, for many, resembles the role of a caregiver in an overcrowded orphanage, wearily scurrying to soothe the baby screaming most loudly before she can comfort the next infant to bellow.

For many, the priorities of ministry are based more on responding to the immediate needs of church members than in steadfast obedience to the Audience of One.

A leader who remains resolute in pursuit of a cause greater than the good feelings of the congregation (for example, the maturation of the disciples and the mobilization of members for ministry outside the church) is seen as heartless, unresponsive, deaf to the cries of the downtrodden, and out-of-touch with “real people” within. Emotionally and spiritually emaciated church members have no stomach for a real leader…like Christ.

What if Jesus belonged to a typical American church today?

pigs 8To a member of a beleaguered minority he declared: “You have no idea what you’re worshipping!” [Jn 4:22] Embarrassed by Jesus’ insensitivity, the Church might howl: “How cruel, abusive, and bigoted! All-loving heavenly Father is nothing like him!”

After freeing the Gadarene [Mt 8:32], imagine the uproar from the typical church at the brutality shown the pigs. Animal rights activists throughout the Church would demand that Jesus be locked up. “How could anyone representing God mistreat innocent wildlife so maliciously?”

Jesus says: “Let the dead bury their dead” when a potential new member asks to attend his father’s funeral. [Lk 9:60] To this, the church would smugly declare: “How unfeeling, cold, and heartless! A merciful God would never say that!”

Cleansing the Temple 8When Jesus comes upon merchants in the temple, he goes nuts: vandalizing their property, abusing the animals (again!), and misappropriating their funds. [Jn 2:15] Most churches would get a restraining order against Jesus—after his 5150 expired. “God is a God of order—not chaos”.

Jesus is revealed in scripture as clear, decisive, and disruptive.

You might think Him a study in contrasts: compassionate to the adulteress and hair-triggered to critique the religious leaders of his day. He’d be branded a troublemaker (or worse) in most US churches today.

Jesus was resolute in His commitment to model, bring, and defend the Kingdom of His Father.

Are you?

 

 

 

 

Leadership Courage (part five)

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The Responsibility Riddle

QUESTION: Pastor, who is responsible for your spiritual maturity and vitality?

ANSWER: I am, of course!

Ok, fine. Now answer this…

QUESTION: Pastor, who is responsible for the spiritual maturity and vitality of your congregation?

ANSWER: Again, I am!

Really? Are you sure?

If you are responsible for your congregation’s spiritual maturity, what are they responsible for?

Er…

Um…

Uh…

Ask me that again??

There’s a troubling trend in the Church these days. We, in ministry, see the evidence of this all the time.

It can be found in a complaint that, more often than not, sounds like this:

“I’m just not getting fed, here…”

“I don’t experience the presence of God here…”

“The worship no longer ministers to me…”.

And then off they go, out the door, on to another church, … or maybe to no church at all.

The thinking, both of the pastor and the complaining congregants flows from the same fallacy: that the pastor, the church, the elders are somehow responsible for the spiritual condition of those they serve.

Thinking like this, it’s no wonder the Church is diapered in perpetual spiritual infancy.

Isn’t it?

So, who is responsible for your spiritual maturity and vitality?

responsible 5You are.

Only you.

The responsibility riddle can be solved in this important, seldom recognized distinction: Your pastor is responsible to you, but is never responsible for you.

Think about it. A pastor is responsible to the congregation to model mature faith in action, to proclaim God’s Word faithfully, to represent Christ ethically.

Each believer is responsible for what they do with the Word of God: both the preached Word and the Word that sits in their lap, on the bookshelf, or on the coffee table gathering dust.

Are you responsible for your spouse’s happiness?

Of course not!

How could you be?

keys 5If you husband has handed you “the keys” to his emotional well being- give them back! Now.

When you notice that someone has tried to make you responsible for whatever it is that God has made them responsible for – their attitudes, their behavior, their “stress”, their decisions, their depression, their optimism – invite them to embrace this reality: you bear responsibility to them, but are never responsible for them.

Do I have a responsibility to my wife? Absolutely!

I am responsible to keep my promises to her. I’ve promised to value her above every breathing human being. I’ve promised to honor her whether she deserves it or not. I’ve promised to pray for her. I’ve promised to champion her toward all God’s called her to be. I’ve promised to be faithful sexually and emotionally. I’ve promised to walk with God and to submit my life to Jesus and his Word. And, I promised to treat her better than she deserves.

And, she is responsible for herself.

Completely.

boys 5When our kids were small and unable to take responsibility for themselves, as parents we bore the responsibility for them. When our pre-teen had a friend over, and they snuck out at night and lit a porta-potty on fire, we were legally responsible—because they were minors and under our supervision.

Now in his twenties, it would be foolish for us to take responsibility for his decisions.

In fact, it would be irresponsible for us to do so.

To take responsibility for another adult is a violation of his or her autonomy.

An invasion of their sovereignty.

It represents a kind of abuse.

Yes. Abuse.

When you are with an otherwise capable adult as if they were incapable of adult choices and incapable of bearing the adult consequences for those choices, what is your impact – really – on that person?

What is the “fruit” that is produced when you persuade another to live irresponsibly?

The distinction of being ‘responsible to’ vs. ‘responsible for’ is central for everyone in leadership.

There’s great freedom when you’re clear about this distinction, and lead in such a way that those you influence are clear about it too.

To stand in life responsible to others and responsible for your own emotional being and destiny may require courage you’ve not been willing to summon, until now.

Time to call it up!

 

Leadership Courage (part four)

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The Price of Love

Courage, I’ve suggested, is living with heart. With you heart fully engaged. Fully invested. Fully in play.

Some would argue that to live this way is expensive. Costly. Reckless. Even dangerous.

I agree.

To live with your heart withheld is costly, too.

There’s no living without paying prices. Give your heart; there are prices.

Hide your heart; other prices are paid.

So, let’s examine prices that living with heart exacts. Just to be clear about it.

Whenever you care about anyone and anything, you invest some of yourself.

The more you care, the more of you, you invest.

dream 4Initially, maybe, all you invest are thoughts and ideas about what could be. What this could mean.

What it could become.

Before long, you entertain how you might be affected. How you might contribute. The good that could come out of it all. How you might benefit… if it works out.

As you do, you give yourself permission to see it. To see as possible what this could lead to. What it could become…

And, as hearts are wont to do, your heart gets gripped.

Not only do you see this as preferable, you begin to love what this might be. Now wanting it, you give yourself to it, a bit at a time. Giving more of yourself as you do. Your time.

Your focus.

Your attention.

As you pour yourself into having it happen… you are changed. Some of what used to capture your attention no longer does.

People notice.

No longer repressing your enthusiasm, you invite others in.

Some back away. They want nothing to do with your stupid dream.watching 4

Most are satisfied to stay on the sideline, amused maybe, watching to see what will happen…

whether your dreams will be dashed or fulfilled…

waiting to see if it’s “safe” to join you.

And, a few are enrolled.

They choose in.

Into the possibility of what could be. As they do, your relationships change.

The stakes are higher now. Greater. “If this thing goes south…”, you catch yourself thinking, “a lot of people could get hurt.” “And, if we succeed…”

Momentum seems to come from nowhere. Connections appear in surprising ways. Provision arrives unexpectedly. It’s like there’s a wind at your back, propelling you forward.

You feel alive.

Energized.

Hopeful.

Life seems to open up before you, to expand.

At the same time, loved-ones caution you not to get in too deep.

Remember the movie Rudy?

Rudy 4At the bus station Rudy’s decision to try to get into Notre Dame is confronted by his father: “Chasing a stupid dream causes you and everyone around you nothing but heartache…”

You’ve heard the message too: Don’t go too far. Don’t move so fast. What about the risks? What if this doesn’t work?

Don’t you care about us?

All along the way, with your heart engaged, you are paying prices. You set aside the predictable, the familiar, the safe. You wade into foreign waters. So much is unknown, untested, uncertain.

Disappointments come, as they must.

Setbacks catch you off-guard.

Betrayals stun you. Backlash comes from unexpected sources. Supporters withdraw. Criticisms that began as a whisper grow in ferocity. You feel alone.

Each time, your hopeful heart is nicked.

Lanced. Pierced. Wounded. Assaulted.

You want to pull back, dis-invest, protect yourself, be reasonable, find balance, cut your losses.

Most of all, you want to rescue your heart from the hurt.

C.S. Lewis in The Four Loves, writes: “Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one…”

To live and lead with courage is to love so much that your heart is vulnerable to being “wrung and possibly broken”. And yet, when your heart is wrung, or broken, you choose to keep it engaged.

Silencing your survival instincts and trusting God to heal and strengthen your heart, you keep giving yourself — fully – to your life.

This is no small matter. If it were, the world would be full of powerfully courageous leaders.

Imagine if the Church – even your church – was a gathering place, and equipping place, a sending place for leaders like this…

Leadership Courage (part three)

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The Heart to Lead

Francis Frangipane asks in The Three Battlegrounds: “Is your love growing and becoming softer, brighter, more daring, and more visible? Or is it becoming more discriminating, more calculating, less vulnerable and less available? This is a very important issue, for your Christianity is only as real as your love is. A measurable decrease in your ability to love is evidence that a stronghold of cold love is developing within you…”

Paul, with all that was at stake in Corinth, governed his own heart so that it stayed open wide, and his affections so that they were not withheld from them. [2 Cor 6:11-13] So rigorously and openly did he give his heart that he was able to call them to reciprocate—his leverage coming from his having gone first!

He called them to a “fair exchange” of affections.

I wonder if, on those occasions when I have been stunned by the absence of affection I’ve encountered, it actually represented a “fair exchange” of the stinginess-of-affection that I’d sown into the relationship.

I too have trained myself to keep my heart carefully cloistered away where it can’t be hurt. Not much. Yet, this protection comes at a great price.

As humans, let alone Christ-followers, we were made for love.

kids 3Made to love.

Built to access and share affection readily, easily, generously.

Like little kids do.

Remember?

Living with and among imperfect human beings, I’ve been hurt and I’ve seen others get hurt.

In the movies and on TV we see characters that give the appearance of being deeply satisfied, fully alive, and relationally connected without the risk of hurt and heartache that love requires.

Smooth operators.

Cool customers.

Cold lovers?

I once taught myself to live that way.

Denying what I was, and what I was made for… ‘till Christ captured my heart and taught me a new way: a risky way, a vulnerable, dangerous way. Since then, there’s been an accordion-like opening and closing, expanding and compressing of the affections my heart was meant to exude.

open 3This past decade I’ve been intentionally entering the rigor to open my heart wide and to war against the regular impulse to withhold my affection from those I influence. Imperfectly and purposefully I’m giving myself to this dangerous and delightful way of life. Calling others to engage in a “fair exchange” of affection.

What might God do among those you lead, if you were to give up trying to keep your heart “safe”?

What if you trusted God and opened your heart wide to those you lead?

Leveraging your love with them.

 

After Trust’s been Broken

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The Truth about Trust (part four)

I’ve asserted that trust can’t be earned—though that’s clearly what most of us have believed. As humans, limited and fallible, we can’t be forever trustworthy (i.e. “worthy of trust”) in every turn and situation.

Some of us work hard to limit our promises to those we’re confident we can keep, to own up as soon as we discover we can’t, and to live as our word—as much as humanly possible. Friends who live this way I eagerly trust.

When they stumble, I’m quick to offer forgiveness, restoration.

Swiftly bestowing trust.

Others are less fastidious about truth. shifty 4They may commit readily, but—for one reason or another—rarely make good on their word.

And, to these I bestow trust as well.

Believing they’re capable of living honorably, even if they’ve seldom done so, up ‘till now.

And when I need a ride to the airport at five am, I’m not going to call my more mercurial friends.

That’d be dumb.

Dozens of experiences have taught me what I’ve can expect and from whom. And, when I’m surprised, I try to rapidly bestow trust again…with wisdom.

Years ago a friend at church managed a real estate investment that, for years, had performed impressively. I invested. In a few months, I heard he’d moved to Kansas City. No notice. No forwarding address. Oh, and his email and phone were no longer working…chas ponzi 4

I’d been had.

Scammed.

Conned.

I learned that I can trust that man to deceive and steal.

Invest with him again?

Nope.

That’d be dumb.

And, God, as promised, was faithful to me, providing financially in other ways—while teaching me a great lesson.

This is my conviction: God is fully capable of providing for you and me, healing, comforting, and restoring in the aftermath of loss and betrayal.

My buddy’s wife had an affair. She repented. He forgave. Right away, he bestowed trust while he trusted God to heal his broken heart.

Then, it happened again.

He forgave again. This time, owning his contribution to what wasn’t working in the marriage. They forgave each other. It was powerful. Years have passed and they’re stronger than ever.

Trust bestowed.

As I write this, a legal situation with potentially monumental consequences looms. The outcome unknowable.

So, I trust.

Trust God. The legal team. My financial partners (legal fees are immense). Our intercessors. The justice system. And many who’re standing with Annie and me.

I trust God.

God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful.” [I Thes 5:24 NLT]

Because of that, I can trust you, and you, and you, and you.

I choose to.

I bestow trust.

Unless you’re that guy in Kansas City.

 

 

The Truth about Trust part four.docx

KRK 6/24/2015

Who Can You Trust?

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The Truth about Trust (part three)

Thus far, we’ve considered two distinctions about trust that I found surprising…and true. One’s that people really never earn our trust.

We bestow it.

At some level, every human is un-trustworthy. We pretend that those we trust are thoroughly reliable beings who keep promises unfailingly. Because of our experience with them, our love for them, and what they do for us, we choose to overlook their discrepancies.

We chalk it up to human frailty.

nixon 3Which brings us to the second distinction: you can count on people to fail you.

Not all the time, thankfully.

And, some more than others. Much more. Some people play fast and loose with the truth. The Bible calls them “deceivers”. We call them criminals and politicians.

They lie for a living.

The rest of us operate in a “zone of reliability” in which we either occasionally or regularly break our word. Usually, small commitments:

“I’ll be home by 7:00.”

“We’ll visit your mother next month.”

”You look good in those jeans.”

 

What I’ve found to be helpful for me and for those I coach is this:

Trust God.

Solomon, considered the wisest person on Earth implores: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” [Prov 3:5-6]

faithful 3Note how faithful God is revealed in scripture:

“Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.” [Deut 7:9]

“In you our fathers trusted; They trusted and you delivered them. To you they cried out and were delivered; In you they trusted and were not disappointed.” [Psa 22:4-5]

“What if some were unfaithful? Will their unfaithfulness nullify God’s faithfulness? Not at all!” [Rom 3:3-4a]

“But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.” [2 Thes 3:3]

Funny, we who are Christian often behave as if trusting God is the last thing we ever do.

Crazy isn’t it?

We trust ourselves. We trust people. We trust our experience. We trust our ability to figure things out…

All the while, our God who has pledged himself to be faithful, to meet our needs, to watch out for God’s own is waiting to act on our behalf. To be revealed for who God is.

My invitation is to trust God to protect, heal, repair, recover, restore even when people turn out to be…well…human.

 

The Truth about Trust part three.docx

KRK 6/18/2015

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