Category Archives: conflict
Leadership Skills Series: Being in Conflict
Principle #4a- contender, know thyself!
It’s been playoff time in the NFL. The Saints, my Saints, with Purdue Quarterback Drew Brees just tonight won their first Super Bowl.
Ever wonder how teams prepare for these one-and-done contests? Obviously, they study their opponent’s moves and strategies, personnel, and predispositions under various game conditions.
The best teams also study themselves. Where are we vulnerable? What’s our Achilles heel? How might this opponent take advantage of our weaknesses, quirks, and blind spots? 
Like any pro ball club, you have vulnerabilities, susceptibilities, and blind spots, too. Think about the last major conflict you were in… or the last several contentious situations that had at least something to do with you. What was it that made you a target?
Do people experience you as impulsive? Unapproachable? Self-absorbed? Distant? Uncaring? Ambivalent? Irresponsible? Controlling? Unprincipled? Judgmental? Lacking boundaries? Mercurial? Rigid?
What are the complaints people have about you, when you’ve been sideways with them?
If you don’t know, you’d be well-served to seek out some honest feedback – quick! Ask your siblings, your spouse, co-workers (but not your subordinates), and anyone you’ve offended, ever. Ask them how they experience you?
What’s it like to be in relationship with you?
What is the impact you have on others that you’re largely unaware of?
Then… listen!
Years ago, a dear friend gave me a great gift. We’d been planting a church and starting a business together at the same time. The gift? Tim “felt more like a project than a person” when around me. I was completely unaware that I impacted people that way. Tim’s honest feedback launched me into an intentional process of seeking help, requesting feedback, learning, and self-discovery that’s continued to this day. Along the way I learned that I’m often experienced as detached, unaware of my own emotions, and blind to the distress and sadness of others… even those closest to me.
Seventeen years of counseling, coaching, character-development work, and fairly fearless accountability commitments have brought growth and satisfying fruitfulness. Still, I continue to miss my impact on others. My failure to attend to my impact has landed me in hot water with a number of folks on several occasions. This, for me, has been an Achilles heel.
What’s yours?
Leadership Skills Series: Being in Conflict
Principle #3- Get to neutral
Ever met a powerfully influential person who was great in conflict? They are a rare breed, and have intentionally developed the disciplines and rigor to effectively govern themselves when they’d rather just react, explode, shut down, counter-attack, or evaporate. Yet, they don’t, more often than not.
The Christian leader, at any level, can benefit greatly from skillfully navigating situations of conflict. We’ve already pointed out, conflict is common to the Christian experience. The ministry of reconciliation, to which every believer is called, demands that it be so.
So, how can you become great in conflict? A third principle is this: Get to neutral.
Most of us have trained ourselves to almost immediately “throw ourselves” into drive or reverse when a controversy arises. Postured in this way, I assert, you are prematurely predisposed to action, when learning would serve you far more effectively. There will be a time to take action, but this isn’t it. Not just yet.
Now think about it. How many times have you burned yourself by assuming you understood a conflicted situation and reacted too swiftly, or too harshly? If you’ve left a wake of broken relationships in your past, I guarantee you’ve done this. Repeatedly. Maybe habitually.
A car in neutral isn’t going anywhere. Not just yet. So, when you get yourself to neutral, you’re resisting the impulse to move. That’s one thing.
Here’s another. Switzerland considers itself a neutral country. That means that in a conflict they’re not taking sides. They declared it up front. They have no dog in the fight, no horse in the race, no prize-fighter in the ring. When you’re neutral, neither do you.
Now here’s where it gets tricky. ‘Cause in conflict, a normal, healthy person will immediately take sides with herself. The occasionally unhealthy person might automatically knee-jerk to side with his accuser. Sounds odd, but it does happen. The mischief is that as soon as you lock in on one particular outcome, your humanity begins to narrow your focus. You lose objectivity and begin to collect evidence in support of the side you’re pulling for. And, you find evidence to oppose the other side. Trouble is, this evidence collection is not impartial. Your humanity will cause you to ignore, overlook, to actually not see evidence that contradicts your chosen position. It’s not that you’re dishonest, necessarily. Your desire to be “right” trumps your objectivity. You can test this the next time you watch a sporting event involving one of your favorite teams. You’ll identify un-flagged fouls against your team, and scarcely notice those against their opponent!
Getting to neutral means choosing to embrace AMBIGUITY. Entering into the discomfort of not deciding who’s right and wrong—even when you are “on trial”.
Getting to neutral allows you to stay curious, to return to a learning posture. And, in any conflict, learning is the key to an honorable, rewarding resolution.
Leadership Skills Series: Being in Conflict
Principle #2- Go for altitude
There may be no more essential skill than successfully handling yourself in conflict. Many a career has been ruined when executives mishandled themselves when mired in an important disagreement. Mike Leach, the very successful head coach of the Texas Tech football program, is but one contemporary example. As I write this, he’s unemployed.
As a leadership coach, I’m frequently invited to help pastors or executives when they’re in conflict. One of the first, most important techniques is to invite my clients to go for altitude.
Altitude.
Elevation.
Perspective.
When you’re embroiled in a conflict, it’s natural to get tunnel vision. All you can see is your adversary, their claims, and your defenses. And, because you’re human, you’re probably focused on your defenses most of all… or the fastest way out of the room!
What you don’t see is what’s going on between you, inside each of you, and often what’s driving both of you. Imagine the two of you, standing toe-to-toe, in boxer’s stance, locked in conflict. Just a few feet away is a staircase, leading to a balcony. From the balcony, there is much you can see that you just can’t see down on the floor…
I invite you to climb the stairs, up to the balcony, and look down… observe the two of you. The beauty of the balcony is that almost immediately you’re able to access resources (perspective, objectivity, even clarity) that eludes you down on the floor. Up there, you’re a safe distance away from your adversary. They’ve not bounded up the steps after you, in a bloodthirsty rage.
Cooly and dispassionately, from up there you can observe yourself and the other person. You can replay the videotape in your memory of the last interaction, or of several of them. Eventually you’ll even be able to identify the missteps that landed you in this mess.
From up there, what can you see that could be motivating your adversary? When you separate out their tone and method and manner, what did the person actually say? What can you agree with? What can you discover that could be behind their words?
From up there, what do you notice that you may have done, or left undone, to contribute to the breakdown? Now, I didn’t say you caused the breakdown. Yet, you have a contribution. From up there, what can you see?
From up there, what do you notice about how you’ve responded to the accusation so far? What do you notice about your mood, your tone of voice, your posture-of-heart? How well would you say you’ve handled yourself? What might your response have communicated, that you did not intend?
Give yourself permission to actually do this. Stop defending yourself, pleading your innocence, or attacking the other person long enough to get up to the balcony… pause, and look. Be curious about what you’ve overlooked so far. Allow the balcony to resource you.
This isn’t just theory. I use the balcony when coaching myself. I encourage you to do the same.
Let us know how it goes!
Leadership Skills Series: Being in Conflict
Principle #1- Focus on you
There may be no more important life skill than successfully handling conflict. For a leader, it’s essential that you govern yourself well in conflict. More than anything else, this can affect how you’ll be keeping good, healthy people on your team. And, every leader knows that the best determinant of the quality of what your organization gets done is the caliber of the people you have around you.
If you’re in Christian ministry, as I am, you’re very familiar with conflict. You may be a person with an abnormally robust commitment to harmony, (some consider you a “peace at any price” sellout!) yet conflict seems to dog your path. See, like it or not, conflict is a staple in the Christian diet.
Why?
Because it’s in conflict that we get to do our best ministry! There are very few things Jesus claims to have given his disciples. But, one of the things he’s given is the ministry of reconciliation [2 Cor 5:18]. The thing about reconciliation is it’s only needed where there is conflict, enmity, discord, and strife. So, if you’re a Christian, conflict is as normal as a kitchen is to a chef. Let that sink in a little. Conflict for the Christian is as normal as the operating room is to a surgeon. It is where we get to do what we do!
For the next several weeks, we’ll look at principles and practices that will serve you well in conflict. Let’s get started.
Principle #1: For once, focus on you. Good leaders are great at setting up the people around them to win, and stepping back just as the spotlight comes on and confetti fills the air. Your ministry leaders get the lion’s share of your focus and attention; you make sure they’re recognized, appreciated, and honored. Yet, when you’re embroiled in a conflict, this is a time to lock your focus on yourself.
I know this flies in the face of our natural, human tendency to fixate on the role the other person has had in creating or embellishing the conflict you both are in. It takes almost no effort to uncover the contribution another has had to a mess you and they are in. Recognizing your contribution to the breakdown, articulating it honestly, and owning your part (and just your part) is much more challenging for most of us. I’ll let you in on a secret: if you’re in a conflict with anyone, you have a contribution! Small or great, you have played a part in the breakdown.
Years ago, I was in a conflict with a couple with whom I worked. From my perspective, I’d been victimized by an avalanche of unwarranted distrust. Over and over in my mind I rehearsed the selfless and faithful ways I’d served them. Then, a friend challenged me to identify how I had planted the seeds of distrust in this relationship [based on Gal 6:7]. To my surprise, I remembered that even before joining the ministry I had judged them as un-trustworthy! This I compounded by repeatedly ignoring the Lord’s urging to pursue relationship with one of them, in particular. My contribution: at minimum, I’d entered the relationship distrusting them and I allowed the distance between two of us to grow unabated.
Your contribution may be something you’ve said or done. It may be a judgment you have of that person or a less-than-charitable attitude you’ve indulged. Your judgments and attitudes always find a way to leak out. People can tell when you judge them—even when you’ve never mention it! Your contribution might’ve been something you left undone, something you failed to do, something you might have done, but didn’t.
Allow yourself to consider how your attitudes, actions, or inactions have contributed to the breakdown. This will prepare you for principle # 2, next time.
