authenticity

What Gethsemane teaches about vision

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The Supremacy of Vision (part ten)

 

In the Garden, Jesus modeled visionary leadership, powerfully.

As scripture reveals, Jesus was both fully divine and fully human. Wrestling with his impending crucifixion, he demonstrates the final key distinction about vision: the leader subordinates her psychology to her vision.

Here’s what I mean:

garden 10In Luke 12:44 the NLT records: “He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood.”

This agony, we understand, was his natural human response to the anticipation not just of a dreadfully painful execution by crucifixion, but also some kind of separation from the Father [Mt 27:46] for a period of time.

Physiologically, sweating blood is called “hematidrosis”. When capillaries around the sweat glands rupture, and blood oozes through the sweat ducts. It occurs when a person is facing death or highly stressful events, having been seen in prisoners before execution and during the London Blitz.

Hematidrosis indicates just how powerful Jesus emotions were. Bible translators describe his prayer as fervent, urgent, earnest, anguished, and intense.

Fully human, Jesus possessed all his psychology. He experienced the full range of human emotions.

Just like you do.

We see him engaging deep, intense emotion—completely authentic and appropriate in light of what he’s facing. And, he didn’t just emote. He wrestled. He cried out: “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me” [Lk 22:42a]

agony 10
This was no exercise.

It was not for show.

Real, honest, penetrating, intense emotions.

And, he chose to subordinate his emotions to his vision: the will of the Father. He suspended his human preference for emotional resolution (apprehensions comforted, fears assuaged, aloneness addressed, hurt salved, etc.) so that his great, world-changing, eternity-impacting vision could be accomplished.

He resolved: “…yet not my will, but yours be done.”

This is visionary leadership.

Dr. J. Robert Clinton’s team’s research of 1,300 biblical, historical, and contemporary Christian leaders has revealed patters—similarities—in the ways God develop leaders. One is that all leaders experience Leadership Backlash multiple times over their lifetimes. Leadership backlash occurs when leader and followers move to fulfill the vision they’ve agreed upon. Then, when unanticipated difficulties arise, followers turn against the leader, on whom they blame the setbacks.

determination 10In backlash, the leader’s psychology is activated. Depending on the leader’s spiritual maturity, those emotions either request, demand, or tantrum to be assuaged. Often isolated, alone, the leader either abandons the vision, or subordinates her psychology to it, like Jesus in the Garden.

This it the pursuit of God-authored vision against all odds, through all resistance—even our own. We have our psychology. But, no longer driven by it, we can marshal its potency to keep us moving toward vision’s fulfillment.

Like Jesus did.

The Supremacy of Vision part ten.docx

KRK 5/7/2015

Being in Conflict (part thirteen)

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While there is much for a Christian leader to learn when in conflict — today’s principle will keep you from falling into conflict, much of the time.

So, if you’d prefer to minimize your participation in conflicts from now on, listen up!

As with each of the articles in this series, this principle will make a lot of sense to you… and I bet you rarely apply it. And you do this to your own relational and leadership peril.

Principle #8- Who gets to choose?

choose 13Who chooses your choices?

Who decides your decisions?

Who determines your attitudes: whether and when you forgive, when and why you finally get off some offense or other?

The answer is ridiculously apparent: You do.

“So what?” you say.

Here’s what: most of your conflicts erupt when you forget this simple, obvious reality:

You don’t get to choose anybody else’s choices.

Now now.

Not ever.

You never have and you never will.

And yet, in your most challenging relationships, you behave as if you do.

Don’t you?

Think about it.

You imagine that you choose how much your daughter is online. How much your wife spends on shoes. How and when your son does his homework. Right? You say: “We have strict guidelines in our home about how much time Sophia gets to be online. Susan has a strict budget—including shoes. Ben knows he has to do all his homework before TV.” And, you think that because these things are true, that Sophia, and Susan, and Ben are not deciding every single day whether and to what extent they live within these carefully-defined parameters?

I assert that they choose. Every time. Just like you did when you were a kid.

Their choice is always theirs—just as your choices are yours.

Most of your conflicts erupt when you forget that you only get to choose your choices. An autonomous human being does what every single human being does every single moment of every single day: she chooses. And you go berserk because you think somehow you’re entitled to choose other people’s choices. Don’t you?

Think about it.

Small things.

Big things.

Dumb things.

Important things.

Eternal things.

God, who is omnipotent, who knows everything, who is eternal and sovereign set it up that way. We get to choose all our choices. And, sometimes (maybe much of the time) God weeps over the choices we make.

free 13Consider just how different your life could be if you lived as if everyone around you makes their own decisions—every time. Imagine your life when you no longer manipulate, press, challenge, shame, and guilt others. Imagine never again being “so disappointed” in the decisions of those near you.

Imagine the impact on those you love.

Consider how they might live when out from under the crushing weight of your expectations, disappointments, and judgments.

Freedom?

What if you trusted people to make their own decisions and to live into whatever reality those decisions open up and close down for them?

You could sorrow with them, without being ashamed. The confidence you display in those near you might invite them to make great choices—surprising both you and them!

 

I and Who? (part three)

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89 fishermanThis is a tough topic for me. In the last two posts, I’ve given examples of how not to have “I and Thou” encounters.

See, all my life I’d been training myself to put tasks above people.

As an extrovert, I’ve enjoyed being with people far more than being alone. For most of my adult life, I’ve used the people I’m with to get things done. Reduced them to a “means to an end.”

That’s produced two experiences in those I’m with. Practical help and committed encouragement to achieve what we want to accomplish and an uneasy awkwardness when we’ve just been together.

89 radio djI befriended Sam, a successful and hilarious radio personality, hoping to introduce him to Christ. Soon, his very difficult marriage became the focus of our conversations. I slid into the role of “marriage advisor”. We spent hundreds of hours together over many months … Sam began to change, Suzi responded, their marriage improved.

When it did, I was at a loss.

We had nothing to talk about.

So uncomfortable were our interactions—as I strained to find something to help him with—that Sam lost interested in getting together. A year later he and Suzi separated. Then divorced.89 church

Tim and I planted a church together. Then we launched a business.

I loved it!

Tim became one of my best friends. We were together all the time, working on the church of the business. Both were new, exciting adventures with regular progress and limitless possibilities.

Then, one day Tim told me he was quitting the business. When he did, he gave me one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received: honest feedback.89 Tim

What Tim said almost 25 years ago I’ll never forget:

“Kirk, when I’m with you, I feel more like a project than a person.”

I didn’t understand what he meant. So, I hired a counselor and asked her. Years of very helpful therapy, intensive work in a character-development ministry, reflecting on Buber, and being supported by a wife and friends have brought transformation in my way of being with people.

And…there’s more coming.

 

 

 

 

Coaching Distinctions #89.docx

KRK 5/11/2014

I and Who? (part two)

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88 balboa We live in a beautiful place, on a lovely, tiny island that’s a short bridge removed from the almost-as-lovely Orange County coastline.

Like many exquisite things, this beauty has a price. Rents are challenging enough in winter quadruple to astronomical heights in summer.

88 island lifeSo, we move away in June, back in October. It’s work to move like that, but it works financially and we enjoy a delightful island life eight months a year.

Last night I met the landlords where we’ll live this summer. David and Juliette seem to be lovely people. He’s from London and she’s from the Seychelles. He’s a retired real estate developer. They “summer” in Rhode Island and hope to visit friends in the UK before fall.

That is all I know about them. In a thirty-minute encounter with two remarkable, unique, and talented people who’re created in God’s image—that’s all I know about them.

I wasted the exchange in a “IT-IT” relationship.

I was “tenant” and they “landlord”. We covered the pertinent details about rent and keys and utilities and parking and trash day. But, I failed to encounter them.

88 heaven and hellCS Lewis, in The Weight of Glory, reminds that we humans are eternal beings. Each will spend forever either in Heaven or Hell: as gloriously beautiful or hideously grotesque creatures.

Lewis says that in every encounter with every person we hasten them to one end or the other.  And I cannot tell you where this couple stands regarding the Savior. I didn’t bring it up!

As an “IT”, I hastened to conclude the meeting. I’d planned the evening, and had already decided there wasn’t room for an “I-THOU” encounter.

Sad.

What if God wanted me to represent him to them?

What if God intended that we pray together?

What if God desired that we become friends?

As “tenant” these considerations don’t surface. But as “child of God” they do.

My being with Juliette and David is an opportunity for Heaven to come to Earth. For Christ’s goodness to touch two lives beneficially like he has mine.

It may have nothing to do with “religion” and everything to do with love.

An “I-THOU” encounter allows that we move each other. Each life is altered, impacted, changed.  Not just in our thinking, but in reality changed.

88 artistIn his book I and Thou, Martin Buber explains that a work of art acts upon its artist. It moves her, draws her, calls her to give herself completely to the fashioning of the art.

How much greater is the possible reciprocity among people to call, draw out, impact, move, and be moved by each other?

I and THOU.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coaching Distinctions #88.docx

KRK 4/24/2014

 

To Be or… (part four)

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Maybe you’re committed to DO>HAVE>BE. After all, it’s what you know, how you keep life manageable, and the best way you’ve found to get people to accept you.

DO>HAVE>BE provides the opportunity to immerse yourself in constant activity without struggling with the existential question of why you’re alive.

86 father daughterWho are you, apart from all you do?

As daughters and sons in whom God delights, who’ve been rescued from judgement to security in the Father’s love … the answer could be straightforward. For many Christians, apparently it’s not.

I didn’t grow up in a Christian home. Not really. Ours was a productive home. I learned early that my value lay in productivity. DO good, DO helpful things, DO what’s right…and you’ll be valuable, virtuous, loved. Subtly and overtly, the message was reinforced a hundred ways.

86 drumsI loved the drums. But, playing drums isn’t productive. Schoolwork is productive. “Get off the drums and do your homework.” “Your homework’s done? Then read ahead. Do more.”

 

I came to understand myself as a ‘productivity machine’ and to people as ‘a means to get things done’.

 

So, like my siblings, I was a bit of an achiever. 86 productiveAt Harvard, I surrendered my strife-filled life to Christ, experienced surprising peace, joy, and love. To be unconditionally loved was rewarding and refreshing. Completely new.

Soon, though, I landed in a fundamentalist charismatic church. Suffocating legalism grew gradually. I compiled an ever-growing mountain of behavioral do’s and don’t.  Desiring to please God who’d so graciously rescued me, I mustered the self-discipline honed in childhood, tucked in my chin, and ran toward the “high calling of God in Christ”.  DO>HAVE>BE.

Along the path were achievements, accolades, esteem, and recognition.

I morphed into a ‘ministry machine’.
What about you?

And, as years passed isolation grew. So did insecurity, discouragement, exhaustion, fear.

86 busyDO>HAVE>BE is exhausting. 

Have you noticed?

After several excruciating setbacks—I consider them God’s severe mercy—I came to the end of my striving…again.

I’d been introduced to BE>DO>HAVE.

Unsettling initially, it provided a framework for seeing God’s Word—and myself—differently. It anchored my primary identity as God’s beloved child. A few workshops helped clarify my uniqueness. Recalling experiences of God’s particular pleasure (remember Eric Liddell?) I discovered specific ways of being that blossom to life. In these times, people experienced clarity, courage, and confidence to be who God had distinctively called them to.

A securely loved child of God, I get to champion leaders to live God’s special calling, all-in. 

Leaders like you.

Not what we do, but who we are.

 

 

Coaching Distinctions #86.doc

To Be or… (part three)

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85 to beWe’re contrasting two fundamental paradigms that inform most everyone’s approach to life. In American society DO>HAVE>BE is the prevalent worldview.

In thousands of messages we’re told: “you’ve gotta do a, b, and c in order to have x, y, and z so that you can be: smart, important, respected, beautiful, famous, admired, significant, wealthy, important, successful…somebody”.

Yet, Christ modeled a completely different way of living. “I AM the Father’s Son, so I DO what I see my father doing, and I HAVE the glory intended for me.” [Jn 5:19-23]

Of us, he says: “We ARE his handiwork, we DO the good God intended for us to do, as a result we HAVE been brought near to God [Eph 2:10,13]

BE>DO>HAVE is the way of the Kingdom of God.

Think about it.

85 comparisonWhen you’re living DO>HAVE>BE anything that keeps you from doing what you need to do, or from obtaining what you need to have prevents you from being who you’re meant to be.

In this view, people are a threat. If your roommate has what you think you’re supposed to have, you’ll view her as a competitor. If a co-worker does what you think you need to do—or does it faster, better, quicker—you’ll naturally interpret this as a hazard to your becoming.

Rather than being blessed for someone’s success, you feel diminished—in some crazy way. So you’re jealous, bitter, resentful, or worse!

85 envyDo you live in comparison?

Notice your language. If you frequently evaluate yourself in reference to others (better, prettier, less than, better paid, faster, less successful, smarter, taller, less popular) you’re living DO>HAVE>BE.

A mentor, Lawrence Edwards once told me “comparison is the seedbed of envy”. Envy is deadly to relationships. [Mk 7:22]

In DO>HAVE>BE you can’t be generous, because anything you give away reduces what you have left. And that shrinks your significance.

But living BE>DO>HAVE your identity is solid, secure, intact. It’s not based on performance, other’s opinions, or what you have. You are. And, secure in who you are, you live generously with praise, talent, friendship, resources, opportunities, material goods, wisdom, esteem, perspective.

Pastor, is that church down the street a competitor or an opening for you to bring glory to God?

It all depends…on you.

 

 

 

Coaching Distinctions #85.doc

Impact, not Intention (part four)

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We’re looking at one of the most common dumb things most people do most of the time. When “A” offends “B”, A rushes to A’s defense, pleading that, after all, A’s intentions were innocent. B just took it wrong and B got hurt. End of discussion!

This is dumb because in A’s self-focused concern to clear himself, A left the injury—and the injured party (i.e. B) unaddressed.

If A was hoping for restoration of relationship, this strategy is just plain dumb!

If I’m smart, I’ll attend to my impact, not my intention.

62 judgmentalRecently, while leading a workshop I was bemoaning “bait and switch” tactics employed by some churches. They show up to do some form of community service then to use it to buttonhole people with religious arguments and promote the church they attend.

When the “switch” is thrown, people are offended. 

Legitimately.

62 bait and switchTo illustrate the impact of bait and switch, I described a time Annie and I were invited to dinner at the home of an admired minister. When the conversation awkwardly turned to a multi-level marketing “opportunity” they discerned was ideal for us, their true motivations were revealed.

We felt hurt, manipulated, and used.

During the break, a workshop participant angrily challenged the negative light I’d cast on the MLM I’d mentioned—a business to which he and his wife had devoted decades.  I had so offended her that she’d left, humiliated and angry. I should be more careful about what I say!

Impulsively, I explained that I’d simply shared a story whose details were true. I’d done nothing to disparage his particular MLM. I’d simply shared the facts as they occurred. About this time, I began to notice him.

I could see that my defense had accomplished nothing in assuaging his anger, addressing his hurt, or communicating concern for his still-absent spouse.

In an instant, my heart cracked. “Please forgive me … I am so sorry to have been so thoughtless! I should never have named the business—it was completely unnecessary for that illustration. I was terribly insensitive!! I can only imagine how much I hurt your wife and you. You’ve given so much to build your business, and I come traipsing into your town and trash your reputation in front of your friends!!”  Now, with tears welling up: “Could you forgive me, please?”

What happened next has occurred so many times when I’ve blundered like this and then attended to my impact.

We became close.

The ‘breakdown’ between us became an opening for intimacy. I invited him to tell me more about how my words impacted him. He talked about the care they’d taken to grow their business with integrity, to honor Christ in all their dealings, and to be honest with everyone along the way. Graciously, he forgave me. We shared laughter, hugs, and tears.

We reconciled.

62 summitDuring the next session I addressed the whole room: confessing my insensitivity, admitting that the way I told the story could hurt people and cast aspersions on anyone in that business.

Owning my impact honestly and authentically brought us closer than if I’d never made the mistake in the first place.

See, a relational breakdown is an opening for intimacy.

 

 

Coaching distinctions #62.doc

Causing an Experience (part two)

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We’re examining a powerful reality of human interaction: whenever you are with somebody, you are causing an experience for them. The great news: you can choose, in advance, the experience you are committed to cause with them!

You can decide, in advance, what you want your congregation to experience this weekend. Yes, the content of your message is influential—but so is your mood, your tone, your attitude, and the context that’s created for the encounter you and they have together.

Last time, I told you about a Delta gate agent. Her way of being with me was so positive, so hopeful, so empathetic that I experienced peace, confidence, assurance, and value even as a mechanical problem waylaid my travel plans.56 Chase

Two of my kids use Chase Bank. I don’t, but I’m beginning to wish I did. My bank does all the conventional banking things. They are polite, competent people. The branches are adequate in every way. Walk in, fill out a deposit slip, wait in line for a teller, and get your banking done.

In an Orange County Chase branch several people welcome you as you come through the door.  Somebody’s on the floor to ascertain what you need and direct you to get it done. If a teller is free, she’ll call out: “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll fill that out for you!” as you reach for a transaction slip. The mechanics of banking is virtually the same as at my bank, but Chase’ people go out of their way to make sure I know they’re glad I visited. All this creates an experience of being valued, important, almost … celebrated.

Chase has decided in advance the experience they want to cause, and they give themselves in such a way that it happens, over and over, hundreds of times a day.56 Coaching

I am committed to cause my coaching clients to experience clarity, courage, and confidence in who God has designed them to be.

So, in dozens of subtle and overt ways, I give myself to them to have it happen.

I watch them to know whether it’s occurring, and if not, I keep changing my way of being with them until it does.

Since each coaching client is different, my way of being with each one varies.

56 Brandon What doesn’t vary much is the experience they have.

Each fall, I hold a ministry fundraiser essential to the financial viability of the ministry I do.  Each time, three clients will talk about the impact of the ministry on their lives, their churches, and their communities.

It is amazing, humbling, and gratifying to hear how similarly each describes the clarity of calling and the courage and confidence they have to pursue what God has called them to.

That’s the experience I’m committed to cause with them.

 

 

Coaching distinctions #56.doc

Squared off to Bunt (part six)

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The Christian life, your Christian life, is to be lived “all in”.

54 Babe RuthAll of you all the way IN the life God set up for you.

What if the challenges, perplexities, opportunities and disappointments your life presents have been orchestrated for you to take Christ into? [Romans 8:28-31]

When you know God is with you, you can always be “all in”.

This morning I read Acts 15. It opens with a dispute erupting in the fledgling church about whether Gentile Christians must keep the Mosaic Law to be saved. Paul and Barnabas throw themselves into the center of the dispute, arguing unsuccessfully, on the side of freedom; freedom procured by Christ.

Unwilling to collapse on their convictions and unable to win the war of words in Antioch, they travel three hundred miles – more than ten days on foot – to Jerusalem.  There, they convene a council of the most notable Christian leaders, and dig into the details of the dispute until they all get clear. Peter speaks. Paul and Barnabas contribute much, and James makes a ruling. The conclusion is put to writing that Paul and Barnabas carry back to Antioch. On their arrival they convene a meeting of the believers, deliver the Jerusalem council’s determination, and remain there ministering to the saints.

Barnabas and Paul live all-in.

54 debateTroubled by the posture of the legalists, they weigh in—passionately. When they fail to persuade the pharisaical believers, they don’t go ‘passive aggressive’ like most church people. They don’t just shrug their shoulders and hope things work themselves out. And they don’t wait for someone else to act.

They sacrifice their comfort, time, and reputation. In Jerusalem, ‘though they’re not in charge, they give themselves until the issue gets resolved. Then—rather than take several personal days to recover from the strain of the ordeal— they step up to deliver the response to the Syrian believers.

They are all-in.

Later in this chapter, Paul and Barnabas have it out over whether John Mark should accompany them ministering to the churches in Turkey and Syria. Instead of ‘giving in to get along’ or ‘playing nice’, they have a full-blown argument in front of everyone.

There’s no back room deal to “spin” the story, to clean it up, to whitewash the mess.

They’re all-in in their breakdown, as in their ministry collaboration.

They hit big or miss big.

You?

Coaching distinctions #54.doc

Squared off to Bunt (part four)

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I was in Memphis one snowy morning recently. A CRM teammate we affectionately call “Hound Doggie” and I were designing curriculum for the upcoming reFOCUS:Atlanta conference when his cell phone rang.

52 robbery “Hi Honey… OK… Are you OK? Are the kids OK? Don’t worry about a thing. Stay put and I’ll be there in ten minutes.” His voice was smooth, calm, steady.

I tried to decipher what had happened.

“Hey Kirkie, I’m gonna have to run home for a little bit. Our house was broken into; a lot of stuff is missing. Be back soon as I can.” Matt was as calm with me as he was with Jen.

In a few hours he’d filed a police report, met his insurance guy, arranged for his family to spend a few nights at the in-laws. And he was back—fully back—writing content for the Leading Change track, where we support pastors to be leaders of change by being leaders in change.

52 WestonsMatt is no ‘armchair theologian’. Like the rest of my CRM team, he’s not ‘squared off to bunt’.

This recession has been tough on churches. Giving is down—way down. Many have reduced staff. Attendance has declined and so has vitality and optimism. While there are many exceptions, this is a decades-long trend across the Church in America.

Congregations often blame to pastor. Yet, rarely is any pastor good enough to grow a church where there’s an embittered, conflicted congregation. And, few pastors are bad enough to run people off when a congregation is vibrant and loving, passionately pursuing Christ.

Still, many pastors live discouraged as if they are responsible for their churches’ decline. 52 discouragedQuestioning herself, she pulls back from leading boldly. Fearing the firestorm of criticism, he “softens” his sermons, muting his own voice—and the Word of God through him. Rather than take on that manipulative, gossiping leader she placates, hoping something will change.

Squared off to bunt.

A Barna survey found the #1 concern among Christians is a “lack of leadership”. And the #1 need of leaders is courage.

Courage comes from the French word “kor” which means “heart”.  I suggest that to live courageously is to live with your whole heart. Your heart engaged, invested, vulnerable, at risk.

52 GethsemaneCan you imagine Jesus, in his passion week, squared off to bunt?

Defending himself weakly before the Sanhedrin. Negotiating with Pilate. A few rote prayers in Gethsemane.

No great struggle.

No great sweat.

No great victory.

 

Coaching distinctions #52.doc

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