The Meaning we Make Up (part three)
Last time I raised the question: “What are people to you?” We’re talking about the meanings we give to ourselves, to the experiences in our lives, and to others. So, please stop and consider: what meaning have you attached to people?
I don’t mean your ex, or your mother-in-law, or your favorite Olympic athlete.
I mean human beings. The whole bunch of us.
Christianity, I suggest, invites the following:
- People are an opportunity to bring glory to God.
- People are openings for intimacy.
- People are possibilities for experiencing and expanding the Kingdom of God.
What would be created in your relationships, if you chose one of these meanings for the people God puts in your path… co-workers, neighbors, the clerk at the DMV?
What if your congregation embraced these meanings for those in your community who are not members of any church?
If our meaning shifts, what other shifts automatically follow?
Try it and see.
For this next week, try one of these meanings on—like you would a sweater. Just put it on, every day, for a week… and see what happens.
Live in it as if it’s true.
As if people are an opportunity for you to bring glory to God. Then, do what comes naturally when “an opportunity to bring glory to God” calls you up, or asks for directions, or slinks into work hung over.
Live for one week as if people are an opening for intimacy.
Just do what comes naturally when “an opening for intimacy” comes home late for dinner, forgets her textbook at school, or asks to borrow your golf clubs.
It’s surprising. Once your meaning shifts, a whole lot of other shifts happen all by themselves.
Emotionally, you’ll be different. Instead of frustration you may feel intrigued. Rather than disdain or judgment, anger or indifference, you might experience mercy or kindness, curiosity or compassion.
Since you’ll be feeling differently, your behavior will shift, as well. Not like gritting your teeth and tolerating someone you can’t stand. When the meaning shifts, and your emotions change, you actually behave differently, pretty automatically.
Here’s an example: A relative and I’d had an icy relationship for the several years after I became a fire-breathing Christian. Convicted by God, I began to see how oppositional my stance was.
It broke me.
Repenting, I chose to embrace him as a gift, rather than a threat. Love and kindness replaced fear and judgment. Automatically, I started to see the virtue in him and, just as automatically, I began to affirm it.
The “ice” began to melt almost immediately … and … twenty years later, he gave his heart to Christ.
Coaching Distinctions #24
The Meaning we Make Up (part two)
This series, we’re exploring coaching distinctions I rely on when coaching ministers for deep, life-changing transformation. Last time, I introduced the very common habit of making up a meaning and attaching it to the experiences of our lives. Seldom do we examine the veracity of these meanings, and so we live as if they are true… as if there’s no other explanation for why we encounter what we do.
Ever watch the first couple weeks of American Idol? People audition who can no more carry a tune than a rusted hinge. Yet, they’re absolutely convinced they sing well, sound great, and the judges – all music industry pros – are crazy. We watch in stunned amazement.
How could anyone be that out-of-touch?
Then, we discover why. Departing from the audition they’re embraced by an adoring, doting, cooing parent who continues to lavish empty affirmations on her child. See, the parent has attached meaning to her child and reinforces the delusion over the years—so even industry execs can’t break through. 
A Midwesterner by birth, I now live in Southern California where I often say selfishness is the national pastime. This culture breeds narcissism (delusional self-love) the way concentration camps breed hopelessness. Children receive awards for finishing kindergarten!
In a few years they’ll be perfecting celebratory antics for scoring a touchdown in the NFL— which is what they’re paid to do! Try as I might, I can’t picture Jeff, my tax guy, doing the Dirty Bird every time he finishes a return.
Jesus said: “…you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” [Jn 8:32]
The word translated “truth” here means “reality”.
Freedom is possible when we encounter reality and interpret it as it is—without overpowering it with a meaning we devise. As coach, I support my clients to separate reality from meanings we rarely see we’ve assigned to it.
So, whether the meaning you’ve chosen is self-limiting (“I must be a fraud as a pastor”) or self-aggrandizing (“That J. Lo. don’ know nuthin’ ‘bout music”), it’s impossible to accurately assess the events of your life when they’re tangled up with meaning you’ve invented.
“What are people to you?”
In other words, what do people mean to you?
Many see people as a means to an end. Ministers can view their members as “possessions”… and some as “problems”. We can interpret other churches as “competitors”, other ministries as “opponents”.
Uninterrupted, these meanings undermine our effectiveness and make mischief of our message.
Don’t they?
Coaching Distinctions #23
The Meaning we Make Up (part one)
We humans are peculiar. We want so badly to make sense of life that we do a very insensible thing. We make it up!
What I mean is this. When an event occurs—particularly if it’s surprising, we’re not content simply being surprised.
No.
We have to figure out what it means. The stronger your “TJ” on Myers-Briggs, the greater this pressure. But, TJ or not, we’re thrown to make the senseless sensible.
So, we demand a meaning.
If I was abused by my mom, suffered a terrible accident in childhood, experienced a forceps injury at birth, or lost my dad at age seven, before long, I’ll arrive at an understanding why misfortune has befallen me. And, if I avoided these tragedies, I will not have escaped unscathed. Because being human, raised by humans, befriended and rejected by humans, we will experience difficulty, harm, or worse.
The thing we can tolerate even less than being hurt in life is not knowing why.
So, if there’s no rational, justifiable explanation for our plight, guess what humans do?
We make one up!
Rather that live in the ambiguity of not knowing why this-or-that has befallen us, we make something up. “I was hated as a kid because I’m un-loveable.” “God has it in for me… maybe a curse from my ancestors.” “I’m so unlucky, I attract tragedy.”
Often we’re “helped” in this making-up-meaning process by influential voices (parents, siblings, teachers) early in life. Once we grasp a particular meaning, we almost always hold it so tightly that it becomes intertwined with our own identity—and how we interpret life’s events.
Let’s say, in first grade, you’re labeled an “underperformer” by an influential teacher. A couple years later, you choke in the late rounds of a spelling bee. Then, you’re injured on the eve of a ballet recital, and can’t perform. Despite dozens of other experiences where you performed admirably, these few stand out to you. They support the thesis that as an “underperformer”, you find ways to sabotage almost certain success.
As you move through the decades that follow, you experience a normal mix of accomplishments, failures, and successes. To make sense—particularly of the disappointments and near-misses—you interpret these through the lens of self-sabotage.
As a coach to pastors, I listen for the meanings my clients attach to themselves and their circumstances.
Invited to suspend these meanings, the client is freed to consider the events as they are. While Freud apparently never said “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar” it remains true.
Some events are just events. Setbacks happen. As does betrayal, difficulty, harm, and loss.
Still wonder why?
Try Genesis 3.
Coaching Distinctions #22
Playing to Win! (part two)
We’re examining leadership coaching distinctions that I employ when coaching pastors and Christian leaders. Last time, I suggested that the client’s perspective determines what they see as possible and impossible as they search for solutions to pernicious problems.
One common perspective is “playing to win” vs. “playing not to lose”.
Pastors commonly cycle between “playing to win” and “playing not to lose” several times across a career. Armed with clarity about God’s call and great hope that God will use you in significant ways, early on, you’re all-in. Playing to win, you’re taking risks, learning, experimenting, making adjustments, and going again.
Remember?
And, as the decades pass, you encounter opposition and criticism from intransigent resisters, who — somehow – got themselves into positions of power. 
You’ve taken many punches along the way, maybe survived (or not) a congregational vote-of-confidence, and been disillusioned by the heartlessness of Christians more than once. As a result you’ve set your sights lower, become more passive, and less aggressive in pursuing what you once knew God wants the Church to become.
You’re less disturbed by the status quo, less willing to endure the rigor to provoke maturity in your people, and far less likely to face down those who are both influential and immature. You’re no longer gripped, as you once were, to bring deep, God-glorifying, fundamental change to the church you serve.
Right?
Called to a new pastorate, you find your footing, being careful not to lose the opportunity to serve here. Then, you begin to stretch yourself, your elders, and your congregation to take new ground, declare and achieve goals, and pursue a future worth having. And yet, over time, your enthusiasm to take on that obstinate trustee wanes. You capitulate, opting for peace — even if it means your people stagnate spiritually.
So, as a coach to pastors, my privilege is to invite you back in. Back in to win.
You stand in your pulpit, amid the congregation, and with admirers and detractors alike, clearly self-differentiated. You’re vigilant to seize opportunities to provoke your members toward maturity in Christ… maturity of character.
The ministry you’re doing becomes increasingly focused on equipping saints to minister on Christ’s behalf. As a result, church members are engaged with the un-churched all over town. 
Skeptics, once hurt by the Church, are reconsidering their dismissal of the Gospel. Marriages are being strengthened. Hopelessness is being banished. People far from the church are coming to Christ.
Over time, the culture in your community is changing.
Crime is down.
Caring is up.
Love is on display.
This is playing to win.
Coaching Distinctions #21
Playing to Win! (part one)
Often in coaching I encounter clients caught in the grip of a powerful, frightening choice. How she chooses has everything to do with what she sees. Without help, it’s tough to see from a perspective other than your own. Some find it nearly impossible to adopt an alternative perspective— for even a few minutes.
After all, my perspective is … mine. It is logical, sensible, familiar, and reinforced by my experience and my values. At least, that’s what I believe.
My perspective provides a “frame” around my thinking.
Like a picture frame, my perspective gives structure and stability to what I’m looking at.
Like a picture frame, it establishes a boundary around what I see: what I interpret to be possible, what I limit my options to, and what I assume to be a reasonable method to work the problem.
Like a picture frame, my perspective draws my attention to certain features of the “picture” and, as I’m attending to those features, I overlook several others.
One common perspective can be summed up in this distinction: “Playing to win vs. playing not to lose.”
This is playoff time for both the NHL and NBA. Every night, we’re treated to heart-stopping drama as opposing players ignore the pleading of their coaches and shift from playing to win to playing not to lose, once they’re in the lead. How many times have you seen your team give up a dominant lead after they’ve moved from offense to defense?
Mike Babcock, coach of my favorite Detroit Red Wings is famous for urging his guys to keep their foot on the gas, no matter how great the lead.
And, when they do, they’re unstoppable.
Yet, too often, once they grab the lead, my Wings ease off, drop back, and hunker down in the defensive zone. And, playing not to lose, their intensity wanes just enough that when they make a mistake it costs them a goal. Too many goals, and they lose a game they once controlled.
And…you do it too!
Stealing Second (part three)
This is the 19th entry in a series on Coaching Distinctions. I’m inviting you into some of the strategies and perspectives I employ as I champion my clients to achieve extraordinary results—not just while we’re working together, but for the rest of their lives.
As a coach, I’m not in the help-you-solve-your-problems business. Nope.
I’m in the people-development business.
I’m here to support you to transform your capacity to address problems, opportunities, and challenges in increasingly effective and satisfying ways. Our coaching relationship may last a few months or a few years. My commitment is to be with you in such a way that, decades later, you’re a fundamentally different person, inside your own skin.
That’s the people-development game.
I’m in this game for exactly one reason: it’s what I think Jesus was doing.
Consider Peter, the impulsive, mercurial, hot-headed, flip-flopping, ESFP.
Pete and a few others are out in a boat, caught in a frightening squall. Terrified already, they think they see a “ghost” not far away. What’s crazy, it is walking on the water. Eventually, they recognize that it’s Jesus out there on the angry sea.
With characteristically little forethought, Peter blurts out something akin to: “Hey, Jesus, lemme do that!!”
In an instant, he’s over the rail, taking one step and then another on top of the… wa… wat… water? Soon as it registers in Pete’s brain that he can’t be doing what he is doing…his focus shifts from Jesus to the furious sea and he’s down for the count.
Except, he’s not.
Jesus takes hold of Pete’s hand and he’s safely back in the boat—just in time for a tongue-lashing from the Savior: “Why, Peter, did you doubt?”
See, I don’t think Jesus cared whether Pete got five steps or five miles out on the water. Jesus was supporting the transformation of Peter’s capacity to stand and trust God in the midst of impossible odds, for the rest of his lifetime.
Think about it.
If that had been you, in the years that followed, how many times would you go back over the events of those few moments in your mind? “Let’s see, he said ‘Come’, so I put one foot over the side, slid my butt across the deck and then I stood up on the water. Right away I started walking… my feet were wet, but that was it. Let’s see, I took, um, maybe four or five steps before I started to freak out. Yeah, five steps. Maybe a couple more! How ‘bout that? It wasn’t impossible.”
This morning, my daily bible reading was Acts 1. Do you notice who stood up amid the 120 and, recalling David’s words, led the other apostles to fill Judas’ spot? The same guy who, a chapter later, boldly addressed an enormous crowd while it was accusing them of being reprobate drunks.
Where’d he get the confidence to stand like that? Off the bag at first, out on the water.
Coaching Distinctions #19
Stealing Second (part two)
How do you steal second base?
You give up first.
To progress to any goal, you’ve got to give up where you’ve been. As long as you’re all right with where you’ve been, you’re not likely to pay the price to move into the unknown and on to your goal.
Let’s be specific:
Until you’re willing to give up the marriage you have, you won’t get the one you want. I’m not suggesting divorce. This invitation is to give up the way you’re in your marriage and be in it in a whole new way.
Until you’re willing to give up the barely-get-by finances you’re accustomed to, your net worth won’t improve. Not much.
Until you’re willing to give up the pastorate you have now, it won’t be radically different—the way your heart longs for it to be.
See, you can only control yourself.
So, if you want to change your church, your marriage, or your finances, you get to change you. And, changing you is so costly it’ll only happen it if you’ve abandoned all hope of getting where you want without having to change.
My CRM teammate, David Zimmerman loves this from Robert Quinn: “If you want to do something you’ve never done before, you must become the person you’ve never been before.”
Change, on this level requires risk. Leading off only works when you lead off far enough to be thrown out.
Far enough to be in danger.
Change is a dangerous game. It’s especially dangerous to your comfort. And, comfort, most of all, is what keeps our feet planted firmly on first. And you can’t steal second from there.
Making significant change—particularly the kind that undermines what’s become habitual– demands that you over-ride the “auto pilot” inside you. For many of us. the programming of your auto pilot began in childhood, was beta tested in your teen years, and then became codified in the early decades of adulthood. By the time you pass your 40’s the auto-pilot is engaged most of the time.
New client sales call? Auto-pilot.
Good Friday Service? Auto-pilot.
Mother-in-law’s visit? Auto-pilot.
Staff meeting? Auto-pilot.
Budget “discussion” with the husband? Auto-pilot.
Car shopping? Auto-pilot.
Weekend with the kids? Auto-pilot.
Stealing second, from the safety of first, can’t be done on auto-pilot.
You’ve got to grip the controls and force your mind, your heart, and your body
– deliberately –
out into danger and away from all that’s familiar, predictable, safe, and comfortable.
Second base!
Stealing Second (part one)
The first thing every base-running instruction says is you have to lead off.
You gotta get off of first.
Your foot off the bag.
You lead off. And when you do, you’re no longer on first … and you’re a long way from second.
And, in this condition you can be thrown out.
There’s a risk to leading off and there’s no other way to steal second.
In life, like in baseball, you have to give up what you have in order to have something new—in order to have a chance to get there! And, giving up what you have, what’s familiar, predictable, anticipatable, even strangely comfortable involves risk. Trust. And the very real possibility of loss.
In a church culture that more and more is oriented around safety and security and avoiding loss, leading off seems so strange.
But, is it?
Imagine the Book of Acts if the saints were unwilling to risk, to lead off.
In the upper room they’d not take the initiative to replace Judas with Matthias. “But, wait a minute, only Jesus chooses apostles.” Standing on first, they couldn’t possibly attempt something new.
“Who does Peter think he is to address this huge crowd on Pentecost? No talking! We were specifically instructed to pray.” Willing to lead off, Peter stood up. The eleven followed his lead… and thousands came to Christ on that day.
Did you notice?
Many of us revere the church we read about in the Book of Acts. That book is full of leaps, risks, and doing things for the very first time. Consider just three chapters:
Healing the crippled man [3:7]
Calling the onlookers to repent [3:19]
Boldness and courage before the Sanhedrin [4:20]
Praying for even greater boldness and the power to heal [4:29-30]
Sharing wealth [4:32]
Disciplining Sapphira [5:9]
Public healings [5:15]
Obeying the directive of an angel [5:21]
Proclaiming the good news everywhere [5:42].
When you read this, it’s easy to overlook the fact that each of these was a brand new experience for them. There was no precedent. No rulebook to follow. No polity. No Book of Order.
God intended us to be people willing to do anything to obey. To follow Jesus. To respond to the Holy Spirit’s leading. To advance Christ’s Kingdom wherever we go.
That’s the pedigree of the early church.
A church of action.
A church in motion.
A church characterized by risk.
See, you can’t steal second, while standing on first.
Coaching Distinctions #17
Committed Action (part four)
Imagine the impact on the United States if Christians here were known – first of all — for being people of action.
You could be reading these blogs and conclude: “Good! We’re doing all kinds of ministry in our city: we donate used clothes to the homeless shelter, canned goods to the food bank, we give a little bit of money to a women’s shelter, drug rehab, an afterschool program, a hospital, and to a convalescent center. Hey, we spent one Saturday working on a Habitat home.”
Many churches do give to causes that, it is thought, advance the cause of Christ in their communities. Trouble is, these efforts are often so small, so diverse, and so impersonal as to have no lasting Kingdom influence on the people they intend to serve.
These are mere “gestures”. And, churches make good-hearted gestures all the time.
Consider the difference when a church commits “all-in” to serve the staff and students at a local school.
Church members are on hand every day: assisting teachers, aids, and staff any way they can. They sponsor student awards, help with the booster club, and are on campus to support and encourage students’ progress in academics, citizenship, health, and teamwork. They donate materials and supplies for every homeroom before each semester and they give themselves along with the donations to help the teachers prepare for the students’ arrival.
They are on hand to help by providing dinner when standardized tests or parent-teacher meetings keep the faculty on campus day and night. Regularly, they honor the teachers who they observe investing so devotedly in their students. And, members of these churches are regularly in prayer for the health, safety, and well being of the students, faculty, and their families.
This is “committed action”.
These actions are so regular, so costly, so focused, and so personal that the recipients of their service cannot mistake the generosity, the selflessness, and the love they are experiencing.
Ministry like this can take months or years to develop.
Commonly, those we intend to serve will be cautious, even skeptical that somehow they’re being duped—that there’s going to be a “hook”, a “gotcha” where the church people reveal their true, self-serving motives.
When our motivation is only to serve and love and bless the recipients, for their benefit, over time the barriers dissolve.
And when they do, we will be prepared to give an answer for the hope we have [I Pt 3:15] and the love we so generously give.
Coaching Distinctions #16
Committed Action (part three)
Imagine the impact on the United States if Christians here were known – first of all — for being people of action.
Caution: activity does not equal effectiveness.
Many Christians and churches are busy, busy, busy: elders meetings, fellowships, teas, seminars, bible studies, retreats, revivals, accountability groups, small groups, home groups, growth groups, recovery groups…
Are we effective?
Is the Kingdom of God advancing, in our lives and in our cities?
The Willow Creek Association’s groundbreaking Reveal Survey said “no”. Church activity does not correlate to maturity in Christ, or the effective evangelization of our cities.
To test the religious activities that vie for your congregation’s attention, consider two questions:
1. Who is this for?
Most church activity benefits only Christians. Yet, Archbishop of Canterbury, William Temple, famously said: “The church is the only organization that exists primarily for the benefit of its non-members.”
We may say our meetings, groups, classes, and retreats are primarily for guests. With frighteningly few exceptions, they’re not.
2. How does this advance God’s Kingdom?
By “God’s Kingdom” we mean the unencumbered reign and rule of Christ. Consider how much of what we do, has so little to do with that.
Study your church calendar. For every class, gathering, service, and meeting, see if you can determine any specific Kingdom-advancing outcomes that were achieved.
You might consider:
Was good news preached to the poor?
Did the imprisoned find freedom?
Was sight restored to the blind?
Were the oppressed freed?
Was the Lord’s favor proclaimed and actualized?
These [Luke 4:18] are among the things Christ did as the Kingdom of God was advanced.
Consider the kinds of activity common in church today:
If pie was eaten while Christian women gossiped and church-going men griped about Obama, as churched kids played kickball in the fellowship hall, be honest enough to admit that no maturity-inducing discipleship took place.
No one grew in Christ.
Nobody outside the church was ministered to.
Compare that to a team from Westside Christian Church. They regularly minister to people who’ve been forced by the brutal Southern California economy to live in RV’s, campers, or other temporary accommodations. The Westside team throws BBQ’s (called “RVQ’s”), serves, loves, shares, feeds, helps, prays with, and encourages these amazingly resilient folks… who do not attend their church. And, lives are changing.
Another team, from Chino’s New Hope Christian Fellowship, routinely dedicates time at a mobile home retirement community. Intentionally, they are building redemptive relationships, forging friendships, demonstrating what it is to be good news to people who would otherwise have no contact with people devoted to love and serve them as Jesus might. Several times a month, team members serve residents, share their joys, fears, anticipations, and sorrows, honor them, and meet practical needs. Their objective is not to bring these people into their church so much as it is to bring Jesus to them.
It’s working.
Coaching Distinctions #15
